I have been the angriest woman in the world this past week. I yelled at a librarian on Monday and shouted at some children at the park today. Yes, yes, I’m feeling very proud of myself.

I don’t know why I’m so goddamned cross all the time but I’m beginning to wonder if all those emotions I have stuffed on deep down are surfacing. All Web MD could tell me was that I have PMS. If that had of been a real person telling me that, I would have punched them in the face. And they would have deserved it.

I have a number of very important things that I have been hiding from The Professional. I’ve been doing this in the interests of keeping the crazy under wraps as long as possible to, you know, prevent him from FLEEING. But it’s time some of it came out or I really am going to explode. Of course I’ve already decided that he’ll dump me the minute I mention any of this stuff. Because that’s the kind of helpful thing my brain does in these situations. Part of me is bracing myself for it, another part has already broken up with him - that way I get to be both right and first. WIN!

It’s also time I faced the fact that I am not coping with looking after my son alone. Sure, people have been telling me for months that they don’t know how I am able to carry on… but up until now, I have just carried on because there didn’t seem to be any other choice. For the first time in 9 months I’m fantasising about leaving my son at his father’s door and running faaaaaar away. I’m so ashamed to be saying that… for the first time it seems like an option to not cope, to fall apart, to make someone else take over.

My ability to deal with… well, LIFE is at an all-time low. My house was burgled - which is a total pain in the arse at the best of times - and it feels like the last straw. I cannot keep taking all this shit that life is throwing at me. I feel sorry for myself and it feels justified.

But what does giving up look like? I’ve never thought about it until now.

• I have to make all of the decisions.
• I don’t like making all of the decisions.
• I hate IM now. It’s the cheapest/easiest way for The Professional and I to keep in touch but it Does Not Cut It when I need to talk about my feelings.
• And talking about my goddamn motherfucking feelings, why do I still have them after all these years? Surely I have done enough to cut off their air supply?
• Why doesn’t he tell me that I am beautiful? That he thinks about me? That he desires me? Why doesn’t he tell me (a) the things other men tell me and (b) what I need to hear.
• I’m ashamed about (b) just so you know.
• There is always some FUCKING CRISIS to deal with it seems.
• And don’t tell me to look on the bright side, or to work out what to do instead of dwelling, don’t try telling me any of that or I will tell you to fuck off.
• I am working for the next 4 days.
• For the next four days I have to send my son to a daycare where he is not liked and where they don’t like me either. Especially now that I have called them out on some bullshit.
• And the poor little button is sick too. But I have to go to work.
• Which leads me nicely into bitching about The Wanker who has - against all scientific and mathematical possibilities - become more of a wanker lately.
• Aaaaaaaand I’m done.

The pressure of the break-up with The Wanker and the pressures of raising a three-year-old on my own are quite something. I don’t often pay attention to the big picture of what’s happening in my life because to do so would result in a lot of crying and energy that I just don’t have.

A new relationship takes a remarkable amount of energy for me. Specifically, keeping my emotions in check so that I am not Too Much for someone takes a lot of energy. There don’t appear to be many men that can actually deal with the reality of me. Trust me, I’ve tested them.